Situationship[?] Love

How can I help?

So I guess you could say I'm in a situationship. We're definitely more than friends and not just friends with benefits. But we're also not in a committed relationship though anybody looking at what we have might say otherwise. I love a man who also loves me.

Again while there's no title or no commitment, neither of us is seeing anyone else. We cook for one another, buy gifts one another, and help each other out in the best way we know how. Yeah I love yous come more frequently and it said multiple times a day. Our actions definitely speak love. But of course, he's not ready for a relationship. Everything says that what we have is a relationship. But it's not explicitly said. I don't want to let this man go as he is someone who has loved me better and more than anyone I've ever dated or been committed to in my life.

Everything I read tells me a situationship is him being inconsistent or not having solid reliable communication. Him disappearing for hours days on end. It's not any of that. We have consistent contact for morning till night. There are definitely red flags such as I'm not allowed at his place. Though he has full access to my house at any time he wants. Bottom line is we're not in a relationship but we have all the qualities of one. I don't want to walk away from the best love I've ever felt but I don't know how to continue staying when a man will not say that he wants to commit to me.

He's even been such a stand-up man that he [has] offered to leave my life as he sees that some of the things he's not offering is painful to me. And he knows that I deserve better. And one thing I know about men who say you deserve better is that they don't want to be better for you. I'm really confused because for all intents and purposes we have a relationship. We're just not calling it that.

What have you tried?

I've tried to be nonchalant. I tried to be a little bit more clear about what I want. The fear of him walking away thinking that it's best for him not to be in my life is what keeps me from being truly honest with him about what I need from him and that if he can't give it to me we need to separate.

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Dear Commitment Seeker,

Thank you for sharing your situation(ship) and for being the very first Ask Nikesa submission! 💛

I can feel the sweet ache in your words — that mix of deep love and quiet confusion. So many people will relate to this.

You’re right — what you’re describing doesn’t sound like the typical messy "situationship" you read about online. You two have consistent communication, daily “I love yous,” thoughtful acts of care, gifts, cooking for each other, and emotional intimacy — a real sense of depth, balance, and reciprocity. By most standards, this is a relationship…you’re just not calling it one. And that missing label is what’s hurting.

Here’s the truth I want you to sit with: You already have the love you’re afraid of losing — both from him, who is showing up for you in beautiful ways, and within you. The pain isn’t coming from a lack of love — it’s coming from the uncertainty of the undefined future.

Your desire for commitment and clarity is completely normal. It makes sense that you want the security of knowing where you stand with someone who already feels like a partner. Only you can know what you’re truly capable of accepting right now, and there’s no shame in honoring that.

At the same time, I gently invite you to look deeper. For your long-term happiness — whether you stay with him or not — it’s incredibly powerful to examine where these needs are coming from and to begin growing beyond the false sense of security that a label or guarantee can provide. We never fully own another person. Every relationship has an expiration date — whether through breakup, change, or eventually death. When we accept that truth, we stop wasting the precious present moments worrying about what might (or might not) happen later.

This is where deeper self-work becomes a game-changer. When you cultivate emotional self-sufficiency, you don’t love less — you actually love more freely and more purely. You can still want commitment, but you no longer need it to feel whole or safe.

So if the love feels real and reciprocal, try this shift:

Treat every moment together as if it might be one of the last. No taking him for granted. No entitlement. Just deep appreciation. Be fully present. Cook together. Laugh. Say “I love you” without the shadow of “but what are we?” hanging over it. This is how love stays fresh and alive.

That said, it’s also okay to be honest with him. You don’t have to stay nonchalant out of fear. We are where we are, and while we should always strive for growth, we also need to stay authentic to where we truly are right now. Somewhere in that balance we find the right flow — though the outcomes may not always be what we hope for. And this is where we have to have faith that there is something bigger we are a part of that is helping shape our lives in ways we may not fully understand.

If I were you, I would try to take a weekend to myself somewhere. If you’re able, get an Airbnb for a night or two, take some long walks, and really sit with that fine line between challenging your fears and accepting where you are. Maybe try using some kind of aid to help you drop in and connect deeply with yourself — psychedelics (MJ, shrooms, etc.), when approached with respect and clear intention in the right setting, can sometimes bring powerful clarity and growth.*

In the end, if commitment is what you feel you need, you could say something like:

“I love what we have, and I love you. I do not take it for granted, but I also know I want a committed relationship one day. I know nothing lasts forever, but I need to know if you really feel this like I do. I don’t want to trap you or pressure you, but I’ve really wrestled with it, and right now this is what I need in order to be at peace.”

It might be scary to draw that firm line in the sand, but we have to be willing to trust ourselves and follow our heart, no matter what might happen.

If he still can’t give you what you ultimately need, it doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real. It just means it had its season. You can grieve it, feel the sweet sorrow, and still walk forward knowing you experienced something beautiful — maybe the best love you’ve had so far. That experience doesn’t disappear. It will forever be something you can look back on with tenderness — as long as you do the inner work of finding that love within yourself.

For now, try holding both truths lightly:

You are loved.

And you are allowed to want more.

And...

The love you share is also a love that already exists within you, without any “other.”

You do not need more.

What I want for you more than anything — even more than this relationship working out — is for you to discover the magic of that deeper flow of life. The place where you feel deeply connected to

yourself and to the events unfolding around you. It is so powerful and lovely that romance becomes the cherry on top, instead of the main meal. And there, everything finds the right balance — both for the sustainability of the relationship and for your own well-being.

If you’d like support with that deeper self-work, I offer the fundamentals in my “The Love Flow” offering at Services.

You’ve got this! I’m rooting for you.

With love,

Nikesa

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*Disclaimer: This is not medical, therapeutic, or legal advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Psychedelics and cannabis may be illegal in your jurisdiction. Please research and follow all applicable laws in your area and prioritize your safety and well-being.